In a bizarre series of events Wednesday night, the winless New York Jets signed deceased free agent Aaron Hernandez to a one-day contract so he could retire as a member of the team. Although the former Florida Gator and convicted… Read More ›
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Roethlisberger Sexually Assaults Himself in Bathroom
Multiple sources have reported Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger inappropriately touched himself this week while trying to use the bathroom in his Pennsylvania home. Roethlisberger, a born-again Christian, told police he hasn’t masturbated since becoming a member of the Four Seasons… Read More ›
Protestors Remove Statue, Realize It’s Actually Lou Holtz
Hall of Fame football coach Lou Holtz was released from the Orlando Medical Center on Friday after protesters mistook him for a statue and removed him from the city hall steps late Thursday night. The former Notre Dame head coach… Read More ›
Tatis Jr. Hit in Head by Pitch After Breaking Unwritten Fajita Rule
Fernando Tatis, Jr. took another shit on our American way of life this week when he broke several of the “unwritten rules” that have governed baseball since humankind discovered how to not use a typewriter. First, the young phenom had… Read More ›
Lavar Ball Adopts the Larry Bird Tomato
Big Baller Brand CEO Lavar Ball has officially submitted paperwork to become the legal guardian of the Larry Bird Tomato. The tomato, whose image went viral last week after Twitter discovered its striking resemblance to the Celtics icon, is a… Read More ›
