Author Archives
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This Week in Sports History: The ‘Gator Stomp’
The world was a simpler place back in October of 2007. Netflix was slinging DVDs via standard mail, hip-hop sensation Da Baby was still a baby, and a mild-mannered businessman named Donald Trump headlined WWE’s WrestleMania 23. Meanwhile, in the… Read More ›
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What to Watch for on Big Ten Opening Day
Here’s what we’ll be watching for in tomorrow’s slate of Big Ten games: Not a goddamn thing.
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Frustrated Georgia OL Places QB’s Soap Out of Reach Following Alabama Debacle
Shortly after Alabama’s defense went postal on former walk-on/teacup ferret Stetson Bennett in Saturday’s 41-24 beatdown of #3 Georgia, several Bulldog offensive linemen took the quarterback’s personal bottle of Dial Kids™ Peach Bodywash and placed it atop the visiting lockers,… Read More ›
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Lakers to Give Dwight Howard Championship Ring-Pop
After winning the Larry O’Brien trophy Sunday night in a dominant closeout game against Miami, the Lakers have decided to give veteran center Dwight Howard a championship Ring-Pop instead of a traditional ring. Howard, who’s in his second stint with… Read More ›
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Contact Tracing Shows Patriots COVID Outbreak Caused by Stickytubbing
The New England Patriots canceled all team activities this week after star cornerback and reigning Defensive Player of the Year Stephon Gilmore tested positive for COVID-19 on Wednesday, only a few days after star QB Cam Newton was infected by… Read More ›
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Texans to Hire “Even Whiter” Coach After Firing O’Brien
After firing GM and head coach Bill O’Brien on Monday following a 1-3 start to the season, Houston Texans owner Janice McNair announced her intentions to find an “even whiter” coach to replace the embattled O’Brien. Although the Rooney Rule… Read More ›
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Braves Add Tebow to Playoff Rotation
The Braves were supposed to have four ace pitchers heading into the 2020 playoffs, but entering Wednesday’s wild-card series against the Reds, they were down to one. Atlanta’s entire postseason hopes rested squarely on the fleshy pink palm of Max… Read More ›
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Chargers Blame QB Taylor for Punctured Lung After Resisting Injection
When the Chargers took the field against the Chiefs on Sunday, starting QB Tyrod Taylor was mysteriously on the sidelines while rookie/bleached Avatar Justin Herbert trotted out with the offense. Early reports said Taylor suffered a pregame ‘chest injury’, but… Read More ›
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Braves P Hamels Out for Season with Itchy Leg
When the Atlanta Braves signed Cole Hamels in December of 2019, they expected the 15-year veteran and former World Series MVP to add depth and playoff experience to their rotation. Instead, Hamels was abruptly placed on the 10-day injured list… Read More ›
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Chiefs Will Use Drone to Defog Andy Reid’s Mask, Feed Him Ribs
Anyone who’s casually followed sports in the past week has seen Andy Reid’s fogged-up face shield, which he debuted during the NFL’s opening game on Thursday Night Football against the Texans. Before the game even started, Reid’s face shield, which… Read More ›
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