Author Archives
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Saban Tells Alabama He’s Stepping Down, Can Suck Own D*ck
University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban has informed school officials he’ll be stepping down at the end of the 2020 season. After coaching college or pro football for the past five decades, Saban, who missed the Auburn game two… Read More ›
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Tebow Cheats on Wife With MyPillow™
After noticing her husband Tim Tebow sleeping on the couch for the past week or so, the 2017 Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Tebow caught the former virgin in the throws of passion with his MyPillow™ on a hidden camera she discreetly… Read More ›
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Tennessee’s Pruitt Rails Against Female Kicker, Calls COVID-19 “Lesbian Hoax”
As COVID-19 rages across America, the SEC football schedule is constantly being adjusted on the fly. The conference announced on Monday that the upcoming Tennessee-Vanderbilt game would be postponed so the Commodores can play Missouri, who has already missed two… Read More ›
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Jets Owner Rents Team to Drake
To honor the 8th anniversary of Mark Sanchez’s iconic Butt Fumble, the most asinine play in football history and the Jets’ sixth greatest play ever, the New York green team lost its 10th game of the season Sunday, mathematically eliminating… Read More ›
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NY Jets Sign Aaron Hernandez
In a bizarre series of events Wednesday night, the winless New York Jets signed deceased free agent Aaron Hernandez to a one-day contract so he could retire as a member of the team. Although the former Florida Gator and convicted… Read More ›
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Roethlisberger Sexually Assaults Himself in Bathroom
Multiple sources have reported Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger inappropriately touched himself this week while trying to use the bathroom in his Pennsylvania home. Roethlisberger, a born-again Christian, told police he hasn’t masturbated since becoming a member of the Four Seasons… Read More ›
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Local Black Man Goes on First Jog in Four Years
After waking up to a chorus of jay birds chirping outside his window early Sunday morning, local Black man Chase Miles decided it was time to dust off his jogging shoes for the first time in nearly four years. Citing… Read More ›
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Harbaugh Leads Michigan Protestors in ‘Stop the Count!’ Chants in Response to His 0-4 Record vs. Buckeyes
Marching shirtless in a pair of Lululemon slacks and holding a sign depicting Ryan Day’s face with a Hitler mustache, Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh led protesters in a chant Wednesday afternoon pleading with the school, the media, and… Read More ›
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Pete Rose Intimidates Hall of Fame Voters With Sword
Pete Rose was taken into police custody early Sunday morning after reports that the disgraced former MLB player & manager threatened multiple Baseball Hall of Fame voters with a sword. Rose, who was banned from the Hall of Fame ballot… Read More ›
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Buccaneers: First 1,000 Fans Get to Slap Antonio Brown’s Baby Mama
The Buccaneers announced on Tuesday they’ve officially signed Antonio Brown to a one-year contract worth up to $2.5 million after incentives, and the embattled receiver plans to make his debut on Monday night against the Giants, who unofficially opted out… Read More ›
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