Saban Tells Alabama He’s Stepping Down, Can Suck Own DickI

University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban has informed school officials he’ll be stepping down at the end of the 2020 season. After coaching college or pro football for the past five decades, Saban, who missed the Auburn game two weeks ago while self-quarantining due to a positive COVID-19 test, finally figured out how to suck his own withered penis.

Anyone close to the future Hall of Famer will tell you he’s been ineffectually attempting to master the art of autofellatio for decades, and apparently missing a rivalry game of this magnitude provided the 69-year-old the extra oomph needed to toot his own horn.

And although Saban has claimed for years that he plans to coach until he dies, that was before he was able to “drink his own gimlet” as his wife Terry playfully calls her sloppy hubby’s slurpy new hobby. “Last year for Christmas, Nick got me a Roomba that could vacuum the whole house in half the time it would take me to do it,” Miss Terry explained, “same thing applies this year.”

Saban’s personal physician, Dr. Milo D’Seaman, MD., supported the decision to retire, stating that at his age, the coach’s heart may not be healthy enough to lead the nation’s premier college football team and lick his own frenulum at the same time, especially with the new sideline protocols.

Since it typically only takes 4-5 minutes to finish himself, Saban plans on keeping his current health and nutrition regimen roughly the same as it’s been for 20 years. He’ll continue his morning runs and his famous two-Little-Debbie breakfasts, but he hinted at the notion he may need to tack on a few extra miles to his daily jog.

“I don’t want the additional cream pie to come back and bite me,” Saban chuckled while wiping his mouth, “I can do that myself now.” 



Categories: Footballs

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