As COVID-19 rages across America, the SEC football schedule is constantly being adjusted on the fly. The conference announced on Monday that the upcoming Tennessee-Vanderbilt game would be postponed so the Commodores can play Missouri, who has already missed two games this season due to COVID precautions. Tennessee head coach Jeremy Pruitt railed against the decision all week until Friday’s announcement that Vandy had added a female placekicker to the roster from the Commodores’ soccer team.
When the postponement was initially reported on Monday, Pruitt claimed that “virus-mongers” were intentionally trying to harm the Vols’ program.
“Everybody in this building knows exactly what the so-called ‘pandemic’ is,” Pruitt explained, “it’s a liberal hoax created by a bunch of lunchbox lesbians who wanna welch on their student loans and create jobs for butterfaces at Hooters.”
But when Vanderbilt announced on Friday that soccer player Sarah Fuller would be joining the roster as a placekicker, Pruitt quickly changed his tune. And even though his Vols were no longer scheduled to play the Commodores on Saturday, Pruitt still voiced strong concerns about Fuller’s participation on a conference call with SEC officials.
Pruitt reportedly protested Fuller’s addition to the Vanderbilt roster throughout the call, quoting the 1994 film “Little Giants” multiple times. He argued that a “petite buttercup” with “hopefully at least one pierced nipple” could be in serious danger while attempting field goals in the SEC, and reiterated that “Spike don’t play with girls”.
Fuller, a star goalie for the Vanderbilt soccer squad who posted 3 shutouts this past season, stands at 6’2 (as tall or taller than 56% of Tennessee’s football roster), has a brown belt in Jiu Jitsu, and unlike the University of Tennessee student body, she drinks beer with her mouth and pees with a shirt on.
And while Pruitt privately seems relieved to avoid playing Fuller this weekend, the Volunteers are scheduled for a makeup game with Vandy in December. Sources close to the coach say he’s worried about the potential emotional baggage associated with becoming the first SEC coach to get beat by a woman since Lane Kiffin’s divorce settlement.
“I know we’re letting minorities do things in society now, and I’ve been told I’m fine with that,” Pruitt told a group of boosters Friday night at the Knoxville QB Club SuperSpreader hosted by Buffalo Wild Wings, “but if we lose to a girl, I’ll never be able to show my face at the Knox County Proud Boys Headquarters again, and that happens to be my favorite gas station and BBQ joint.”