Jets Owner Rents Team to Drake

To honor the 8th anniversary of Mark Sanchez’s iconic Butt Fumble, the most asinine play in football history and the Jets’ sixth greatest play ever, the New York green team lost its 10th game of the season Sunday, mathematically eliminating them from the playoffs at 0-10. With the postseason officially out of reach, Jets owner Woody Johnson reportedly agreed to rent the team to recording “artist” Aubrey “Drake” Graham for the remainder of the season, with an option to repeat the mistake next year.

Although the Johnson family plans to retain full ownership of the team, they’ve agreed to share some of the perks with Graham. As the only official NFL Team Lessee, Graham will announce the Jets’ first overall draft bust in April, attend the annual owner’s mixer at Papa John Schnatter’s sharecropping ranch, and possibly even take a sip from Jerry Jones’ fountain of youth, which is technically just a Sildenafil® fondue.

Graham reportedly won’t be involved in day-to-day football decisions, but he agreed to fire head coach Adam Gase on behalf of the Johnsons if they’d let him “do a punt” on the field. And though the team intends to wait until the end of the season to part ways with Gase, team officials instructed Graham to “do his goddamn punt” by Friday.

While the Johnson family was unwilling to give Graham even a small stake in the team, they did offer him the opportunity to own “two or three” players. Graham, who grew up with a Black father and a white mother, said he was personally conflicted by the proposal.

“Part of me feels like it’s objectively wrong to own another human,” the biracial Graham explained, “but the other half of me thinks it’s a pretty sustainable business model.”

Graham ultimately balked at the idea of owning individual players, so the Jets instead assigned Sam Darnold as his personal chauffeur until the third-year quarterback recovers from whatever the fuck it is this year.



Categories: Footballs

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