In a bizarre series of events Wednesday night, the winless New York Jets signed deceased free agent Aaron Hernandez to a one-day contract so he could retire as a member of the team. Although the former Florida Gator and convicted murderer never played for New York, team ownership felt like the horrific events that led to Hernandez taking his own life in prison accurately depict the general vibe of the embattled franchise.
After multiple sources falsely reported that Hernandez voted in the recent election, his former attorney Jose Baez fielded calls from NFL owners and executives around the league who echoed the sentiment that Hernandez and the Jets belong together. Baez, who considers himself a survivor and a decent kisser, notified Jets management he’d be willing to broker a deal between the team and the former Patriot’s stubborn but liquidy remains.
Even though Hernandez hasn’t been on the Patriots roster since 2012, New England somehow still received two draft picks in the transaction, along with an autographed copy of Tim Tebow’s book on performing circumcisions in the jungle, Mowgli Dick.
While head coach Adam Gase clearly modeled his offensive play calling after Hernandez’s lifestyle, he shied away from directly equating the former tight end’s grisly killing spree to the Jets organization. “You can’t really compare running a football team to committing unthinkable acts of violence and murder,” Gase explained, “but gun to my head, I’d say we’re about as close as it gets.”
Jets owner Woody Johnson, who currently serves as the US Ambassador to the United Kingdom and the mascot for Six Flags, voiced empathy for Hernandez’s victims, but reluctantly admitted the whole scenario felt very “Jets-y”.
“This organization unequivocally condemns almost everything Mr. Hernandez stood for,” Johnson asserted, “but at least he stood for the goddamn anthem.”