Multiple sources have reported Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger inappropriately touched himself this week while trying to use the bathroom in his Pennsylvania home. Roethlisberger, a born-again Christian, told police he hasn’t masturbated since becoming a member of the Four Seasons Total Methodist Church in 2012, and that he typically only plays with himself on Madden.
Although authorities informed the Pro Bowl quarterback he wouldn’t be allowed to press charges against himself, he refused to be silenced. “Crimes like this have historically been swept under the rug when the assailant is a rich and famous athlete,” said Roethlisberger, who has twice been accused of sexual assault during his NFL career with no legal repercussions. “But after consulting the two women I raped a few years back, I’ve decided I can’t let me get away with this again.”
The official police report states Roethlisberger was sitting down to pee when he felt a set of thick, oily fingers cover his mouth, followed by another calloused palm grabbing his penis and tugging at a delightfully medium pace. He initially suspected Antonio Brown, but by the time Big Ben realized both hands were his, the damage was done and the rug was ruined.
“The Bible says if your right hand offends you, cut it off,” Roethlisberger explained. “Thank God I went Southpaw.”
The NFL has launched an investigation into the incident, but Commissioner Goodell made one thing abundantly clear in his weekly media session Sunday night.
“His testimony states he was sitting down to urinate when the alleged assault happened,” Goodell continued, “but judging by Mr. Roethlisberger’s history, we find it hard to believe there was no turd.”