Marching shirtless in a pair of Lululemon slacks and holding a sign depicting Ryan Day’s face with a Hitler mustache, Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh led protesters in a chant Wednesday afternoon pleading with the school, the media, and the nation to stop focusing on his winless record against the #3 Buckeyes.
Several members of the media suggested the coach’s job was in question following a 27-24 upset loss to unranked rival Michigan State last weekend, but Harbaugh shrugged it off in his weekly Thursday evening press conference, admitting he didn’t even realize he was on the hot seat.
“Somtimes it’s hard to tell your seat’s getting warm when you iron your khakis every 45 minutes,” Harbaugh explained.
Harbaugh’s attorney, Les Giddam, has filed defamation lawsuits against ESPN, Bleacher Report, and his cousin Rusty’s Facebook page this week, accusing all three of unfairly slandering Harbaugh for his shortcomings against Ohio State rather than amplifying his impressive wins against ‘Penn State that one time’ and ‘maybe Iowa?’.
Rusty could not be reached for comment, but his Facebook profile confirmed he lives in an RV with his deceased mother, Ruby, and their pet parakeet, Herk Kerbstreit.
Just before the final leg of the march, Harbaugh lost his composure and attacked a young teenage male who was walking by in a Buckeyes headband. Known for his eccentric recruiting methods, including a notorious sleepover at a high school kicking prospect’s house, this certainly wasn’t Harbaugh’s first time touching a student.
Unfortunately for the Wolverines’ immodest moderator of mediocrity, the young Buckeye fan has a brown belt in jiu-jitsu and methodically whooped Coach Jim’s jaundiced ass 56-27.