Pete Rose was taken into police custody early Sunday morning after reports that the disgraced former MLB player & manager threatened multiple Baseball Hall of Fame voters with a sword. Rose, who was banned from the Hall of Fame ballot for gambling on baseball during his stint as a manager for the Reds, was accused of voter intimidation by a total of 293 members of the Baseball Writers’ Association of America (BBWAA) over the past 10 days.
According to eyewitnesses, Rose was trying to swallow the sword when authorities found him squatting behind the Payless Shoes in Boca Raton, FL. Once the all-time hits leader was taken into police custody, he confessed to the voter intimidation accusations and came clean about a Hardee’s 2-for-1 biscuit coupon loophole he’s been exploiting for 32 years.
Hardee’s declined our request for comment, but a source close to the fast food titan said the company has one of the strictest biscuit coupon policies in the QSR industry and plans to “fuck Pete Rose where he lives”.
MLB commissioner Rob Manfred expressed empathy for Rose’s situation, but confirmed the disgraced slugger would never be allowed back into baseball on his watch. “I don’t care if Pete scares every single voter into writing him in,” Manfred explained, “I’ll just refuse to accept the legitimacy of the election. That process is actually easier than you’d think”
Manfred didn’t mention another alleged incident from Friday night in which a pickup truck registered in Rose’s name tried to run the commissioner’s Dodge Caravan off the road outside MLB headquarters in New York. Although Manfred was able to escape without serious injury, the commissioner was ‘terrified’ that the whole world would find out he drives a Dodge Caravan.
The investigation into Rose’s behavior has already revealed this was not the first time BBWAA voters were threatened by Rose associates, although until this weekend, Rose had let others do the intimidating for him.
“Pete’s been trying to coerce his way into Cooperstown for years using hired muscle,” said BBWAA member and ESPN Cute Little Dude Jeff Passan, “but this year, he showed up at my daughter’s recital and personally offered to sign his own name on my ballot AND not slice my throat for $650 – a steal by some collectors’ standards.”
Rose told police he had previously hired local militant group members to do the dirty work for his campaign, but he decided this summer that if he wanted to break into Cooperstown through the back door, he’d have to do it himself.
“After coming up short year after year, I finally realized you can’t send a Proud Boy to do a proud man’s job.”
Rose will appear in court Tuesday, and is expected to be sentenced to at least six months at Chipper Jones’ minimum-security hunting ranch in Texas.
Manfred said in a written statement Sunday evening that while Rose is obviously not perfect, he still wishes Los Angeles Angels phenom Mike Trout “had a little more Pete Rose in him”.
“This guy (Trout) is supposed to be the face of our league,” Manfred’s statement reads, “yet somehow he’s paid for literally every goddamn biscuit he’s ever eaten.”