The Buccaneers announced on Tuesday they’ve officially signed Antonio Brown to a one-year contract worth up to $2.5 million after incentives, and the embattled receiver plans to make his debut on Monday night against the Giants, who unofficially opted out of the season three weeks ago. If Brown can find a way to remain on the roster for at least another week, the Bucs have scheduled a promotion for next Sunday’s home game in which the first 1,000 fans through the gates will get to slap one of Brown’s baby mamas in the mouth.
Although the promo title suggests fans will get to choose whether or not they want to physically assault Goldi Diggins, the mother of two of Brown’s five children, team officials intend on making the promotion mandatory.
“It’s nothing personal against Ms. Diggins,” Buccaneers GM Jason Licht explained, “but if you’re gonna come to games and root for Antonio, we need to make sure you’re cool.”
Head coach Bruce Arians said that aside from multiple legal battles involving accusations of rape, attempted burglary and assault, Brown “looks fantastic” and can’t wait to get back on the field. Brown is currently serving the last few days of an 8-week suspension from the NFL for personal misconduct, but critics in the national media have argued his reprehensible behavior deserved what disciplinary experts describe as “a little bit longer than that”.
After Brown showed up to Thursday’s team workout 45 minutes late pulling an alligator on a leash, defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul tragically lost his right ring and pinky fingers while attempting to pet his new teammate’s pet. The incident leaves Pierre-Paul, who lost his right index finger and most of his middle finger in 2016 during a fireworks accident, fucked.
“Everyone in this building is thinking of big #90 right now, hoping he’s ok,” a somber Arians said after practice Wednesday. “We just want to get Jason back in here ASAP so we can see how gross that nub looks.”
The Buccaneers anticipate a mixed reception for the promotion, but Tampa Bay co-owner Joel Glazer assured the media that Ms. Diggins would benefit from the public flogging.
“In addition to $500 in Shoney’s gift cards, we also arranged a protection order that strictly prohibits Mr. Brown from having any contact with Ms. Diggins whatsoever,” Glazer claimed, “unless of course he pops his Mavis Staples blowup doll.”
Diggins eagerly agreed to the terms and conditions, noting it would take Antonio almost a week to hit her that many times.
Bucs QB Tom Brady, who offered Brown a room in his house and a personal chef to grope last year when the two were teammates for 11 days, said he would do anything he could to help.
“I told Mr. Glazer I’d slap the bitch myself if it meant Antonio could play,” Brady said through an interpreter who helps him interact with poor people.
“Sometimes players like Antonio just need a little nudge in the right direction. Not everyone grew up with a father to French.”