Contact Tracing Shows Patriots COVID Outbreak Caused by Stickytubbing

The New England Patriots canceled all team activities this week after star cornerback and reigning Defensive Player of the Year Stephon Gilmore tested positive for COVID-19 on Wednesday, only a few days after star QB Cam Newton was infected by the virus. Contact tracing by New England’s medical staff suggested Gilmore was infected after being stickytubbed by Newton in the team shower.

Originating at Auburn University, “stickytubbing” is a sophomoric form of hazing in which one or more players ejaculate onto the shower floor after turning off the water so the load sits stagnant for the next player to step in.

The tradition was conceived in the late 1950s by former Tigers special teams coach Drew “Glue Shoes” Hughes back when Auburn’s athletic dorms still had individual tubs instead of group showers. Hughes believed a man could only develop a true brotherly bond with another man by walking a mile in his spooge.

While Newton admitted to regularly stickytubbing teammates since college, he claims this is the only time he’s transmitted anything via semen other than his seven children.

“It just makes you wonder,” Newton pondered aloud while slipping on his new possum skin shower shoes, even though there’s no scientific proof that slippers work, “if Stephon got the virus after I stickytubbed him, then who the hell stickytubbed me?”

Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who attended President Trump’s golf tournament last Thursday, could not be reached for comment. A team source confirmed that Kraft was seen wobbling into the team locker room this afternoon for his daily “massage”, and he actually used air quotes when he said it.

Categories: Footballs

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