Texans to Hire “Even Whiter” Coach After Firing O’Brien

After firing GM and head coach Bill O’Brien on Monday following a 1-3 start to the season, Houston Texans owner Janice McNair announced her intentions to find an “even whiter” coach to replace the embattled O’Brien.

Although the Rooney Rule requires NFL teams to interview at least one minority candidate for all head coaching positions, McNair said she spoke to her poolboy, Giancarlo, about the opening and he wasn’t interested. Giancarlo has no formal experience as a football coach, but he had also never been a poolboy until Janice gave him a shot.

The Texans may be hard pressed to find someone whiter than O’Brien. He’s from Dorchester, Massachusetts. He graduated from Brown University. He equally loves The Police and the police. With John Gruden already locked up in a ten-year contract with the Raiders and Cate Blanchett busy filming an animated Pinocchio remake, Houston isn’t left with many options chalkier than Billy O’B.

Upon hearing McNair’s comments, Texans president Jamey Roote was quick to denounce his boss’ divisive assertion.

“With all due respect to Janice and her late husband Bob, what she said on Monday goes against the core values and philosophies we promote within this franchise,” Roote continued, “I assure you, nobody in this front office ever said we would only hire a white head coach.”

“We just said we wouldn’t hire a Black one.”



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