When the Chargers took the field against the Chiefs on Sunday, starting QB Tyrod Taylor was mysteriously on the sidelines while rookie/bleached Avatar Justin Herbert trotted out with the offense. Early reports said Taylor suffered a pregame ‘chest injury’, but upon further investigation, it turned out Taylor’s lung was punctured when a team doctor tried to administer a pregame pain-killing injection.
The Chargers are expected to press charges against Taylor for the incident, as the team claims his punctured lung was a result of the veteran signal caller resisting injection.
The 31-year-old QB quietly suffered two cracked ribs in a season-opening win against the Bengals, but he tried to downplay the pain throughout the week. When team doctor Pierce Blackman discovered the injury prior to the Kansas City game, he decided to give Taylor a cortisone shot whether the Virginia Tech alum wanted it or not.
Blackman described Taylor’s initial reaction as ‘aggressively resistant’ when the licensed dermatologist tried to tie him down, then in a panic, Taylor made a mad dash toward the training room door. But before he could escape, he tripped over Junior Seau’s corpse, which the team has been using since 2012 as an experimental cadaver and daybed.
Once Blackman had Taylor on the ground, the QB allegedly struggled for a few moments before the doctor jammed a needle into his chest (in self-defense), puncturing his left lung. According to Blackman, Taylor seemed to be impaired and dangerous at the time, so the doctor had no choice but to protect himself.
“When Tyrod reached into his pocket, I assumed he was either grabbing a gun or trying to rape my wife,” Blackman said defensively. “I had no way of knowing he was just pulling out the X-rays of his cracked ribs.”
Bill Polian, the former Colts GM and current statue of himself, suggested on social media that the team should immediately convert Taylor to wide receiver despite nine years as an NFL quarterback, including several successful seasons as a starter in Buffalo.
“I know he led the Bills to the playoffs for the first time in 164 years,” Polian explained, “but when I see a quarterback out here resisting injections and listening to rap music, that’s what I call a ‘wide receiver’.”
Taylor’s camp notified the team he’ll be unable to play for several weeks while his respiratory system heals, but team president Wyatt Christian showed little patience for his quarterback’s predicament.
“Quite frankly, we’re sick of hearing this ‘I can’t breathe’ excuse,” Christian bemoaned. “Tyrod would still have two fully inflated wheezebags if he could’ve said ‘Yes, sir’ and cooperated with a standard mandatory injection.”
Taylor was unable to comment because HIS FUCKING LUNG COLLAPSED.