Celtics Postgame Scuffle Over Calzone?

Tensions ran high in the Celtics’ locker room Thursday night after Boston blew a 17-point lead to go down 0-2 to Miami in the Eastern Conference Finals, resulting in verbal clashes between players, specifically Marcus Smart and Jaylen Brown, before Smart stormed out of the arena without speaking to the media or applying deodorant.

Early speculation was that Smart called out teammates for their lack of energy and effort in the second half, allowing the Heat to overcome a huge deficit and beat the Celtics 106-101. However, sources close to the team are reporting Smart and Brown nearly came to blows over a Buffalo chicken calzone.

Since the playoffs began, the Celtics have grown closer as a unit by ordering food together after games, usually through Uber Eats since players aren’t allowed to leave the Orlando bubble unless they’re visiting a league-sanctioned strip club. But Smart was so disgusted with the team’s effort in the third quarter, he decided to order his own postgame dinner: a spicy chicken calzone with bleu cheese from nearby Tomasino’s Pizza.

While head coach Brad Stevens was in the shower peeling off his exfoliating charcoal mask, Brown confronted Smart for ordering Tomasino’s without asking if anyone else wanted food. Smart snapped back at Brown, and the two stars eventually had to be separated by a soapy, fully nude Stevens.

A few hours after the incident, Stevens called a private, late-night meeting between team leaders Smart, Brown, Jayson Tatum, and Kemba Walker, to squash the infighting. But despite Steven’s best efforts to smooth things out, Smart reportedly walked out of the meeting upset, again. Unlike the earlier incident, however, Smart was wearing deodorant.

Smart addressed the media Saturday morning after a voluntary team workout, denying there was any bad blood stemming from the private meeting. “We met until almost 3:00 a.m. and everything seemed fine,” Smart explained. “If I didn’t get home soon, though, Alicia was gonna think I had a girlfriend.” 

Smart was finally reunited with Alicia, his PocketPussy Mini-X 350, this week as the NBA allowed player’s families and loved ones to enter the bubble for the conference finals. You can follow the blossoming couple’s new reality show “Marcus and the Cream-Carcass” on MySpace Live, Thursday nights after “Reba”.

By Saturday afternoon, Celtics players were still amazed by Stevens’ naked dash to break up the brewing altercation. “I think we were all in shock when Brad bolted in from the showers,” fan favorite Tacko Fall said. “You just don’t expect a guy like Coach Stevens to have a Prince Albert.”

The Celtics battle the Heat again at 8:30 Saturday night, as they’ll try to avoid digging themselves into an 0-3 deficit. Boston hopes to have forward Gordon Hayward back in the lineup for Saturday, so the Celtics could potentially head into Game 3 with two dick-rings on their bench.

Categories: Basketballs

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