The University of Tennessee announced Tuesday it will become the first major college football program to host a game at full stadium capacity in 2020.
By implementing virtual face masks, the Vols will be able to cram 102,455 asses into Neyland Stadium bleachers for the home opener against Missouri on Oct. 3rd. An additional 44,000 general admission tickets will also be available for fans willing to catch the action from the stairs, stadium hallways, or on a 16″ TV above the Dippin’ Dots stand.
UT Athletic Director Phillip Fulmer said the school worked closely with the SEC Network for months to develop the new face mask technology, which instantly slaps a digital face covering over the nose and mouth of any fan caught on a TV camera. This loophole will allow the school to skirt local mask policies without forcing the Volunteer faithful to suffer any minor inconveniences to their freedom.
Fulmer reiterated his staff’s #1 priority at a Knoxville QB Club meeting Tuesday evening. “First and foremost, our concern for the health and well-being of our students, athletes, and fans needs to seem authentic,” Fulmer preached. “We want Big Orange fans watching from home to feel comfortable funneling crushed-up pills and moonshine into their buttholes without worrying about the safety of those in attendance.”
Despite a chorus of outrage from regional and national media outlets, Fulmer said he was proud of the virtual mask program and would not be deterred by external voices. “Oh, the media thinks we should limit the number of fans in our stadium?” Fulmer snarled. “The same media that thought a goddamned punt returner deserved the Heisman over Peyton Manning?”
And although Tennessee does not have a resident epidemiologist on staff, head coach/asparagus denier Jeremy Pruitt conveyed confidence in the team’s medical staff.
“We don’t need no dadgum epididymitis to tell us whether or not we can play football,” Pruitt said defiantly. “Wayne, the fella who tapes up our boo-boos and boils the peanuts at homecoming, said it should be safe to play this season as long as he catches the copperhead runnin’ loose through our water drainage system.”
Tennessee native and lifelong Volunteer supporter Samuel L. Jackson admitted he considered flying into Knoxville for the game before ultimately deciding to play it safe and watch from his couch. “I’ve been going to Tennessee football games for a long time,” Jackson shouted, “and I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes in this motherfuckin’ drain!”