Jamie Newman was supposed to be UGA’s starting quarterback in 2020. The Wake Forest transfer had been projected as QB1 since he chose Georgia, but the talented 5th year senior abruptly opted out of the 2020 season this week to prepare for his fantasy draft, opening the door for UGA to become the first major college program to start a female quarterback.
This will be Newman’s first year in a keeper league with his girlfriend’s family, and sources close to the program say he can’t afford to fuck it up. Newman will be inheriting his team, ‘The Everlasting ToddStoppers’ from his girlfriend’s late uncle Todd, who passed away this spring when he jumped into a vat of acid.
“Todd left me with a janky-ass roster,” Newman continued. “I’ve got no tight ends, five defenses, and my quarterback is Steve McNair.” According to the Elias Sports Bureau, no fantasy team has ever won a league title with five defenses and a dead quarterback.
On Wednesday, Newman announced his change of plans during a TikTok video while dancing to the new Weeknd song that sounds like Grand Theft Auto has a W.A.P.
Newman’s departure opens up a fierce battle for the #1 spot between Southern Cal transfer JT Daniels, a former 5-star recruit, and Jenny Womanziel, a walk-on from Parts Unknown who has already punched two ball boys in the throat.
While Daniels was initially thought to have the edge, head coach Kirby Smart said Womanziel has taken practices by storm and asserted herself as a team leader despite being kicked out of three bars and a Waffle House all in one night.
“We try to maintain a certain code of conduct around here,” Smart said, “but I don’t even know what the proper punishment would be for flashing your hairy little titties to the whole Waffle House.”
Womanziel has shown an uncanny ability to move in the pocket and find receivers downfield, even though she claims to have never played organized football. “Now that it’s 2020 and women are getting more opportunities, Athens was a natural fit for me,“ Womanziel gushed. “UGA has a long, rich athletic tradition and the most bars per capita of any college town in America.”
“You can get kicked out of 2-3 bars a week for a whole year,” Womanziel continued, “and by the time you’re ready to go back, the whole staff has graduated and you get to start fresh with a clean slate.”
Womanziel, who doesn’t work out with the team due to “menstruation stuff”, assured the media she would be physically ready for the grind of SEC football. “Oh yeah, powercleans, squats, Kegels, I’ve been doing all that stuff on my own,” Womanziel claimed. “Just making sure my body is ready to absorb big hits and give out dry handies left and right – mostly right.”
Smart understands the media craze that will inevitably follow Womanziel, but he reiterated that the program is ready for something different. After three years of Jake Fromm, Smart believes his team will rally around a new quarterback who doesn’t throw the ball out of bounds at least once every drive.
“After three years of bowties and Baptist boy band bass fishing bullshit, I think we’ll benefit from having a new voice under center,” Smart said. “And even if Jenny was just Johnny Manziel with a wig on, which she’s absolutely not, at least she’s willing to throw the ball to our Black players.”