Foles’ Penis Opts Out

While former Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles is locked in a stiff competition with Mitch Trubisky for the starting quarterback job in Chicago, his enormous penis has opted out of the 2020 season due to COVID-19 concerns.  

Foles, one of the most devoutly religious players in the league, says he won’t need his hardware during the season since his wife will be out of the country until Christmas. She and the penis are leaving Tuesday on a four month mission trip to Sandals® Barbados.

Known for being one of the nicest, most humble guys in the league, Foles had no comment on the intensely personal issue that shouldn’t have an article written about it.

Regardless, the Chicago media was buzzing that Foles’ situation could give Trubisky a slight edge in the QB race, but Mitch was quick to dismiss that notion after practice. “You think I have an advantage in a quarterback competition?” Trubisky scoffed, “Have you seen me play quarterback?”

Several Bears teammates noticed a difference in Foles’ mobility during practice Monday, notably linebacker Roquan Smith. “Nick was waaaaaay quicker today,” Smith noted. “He was scootin’ around like Michael Vick out there without that Texas mudfish draggin’ behind him.”

Bears equipment manager Steely Dan, Jr. expressed frustration over the news, insisting he and his crew were partially responsible for the opt-out. “We just didn’t have a big enough mask.”

Head coach Matt Nagy said he was glad Foles decided to play, but acknowledged the penis caught him a little off guard. “This morning I said ‘Hello’ to what I thought was Brian Urlacher exiting the stadium,” Nagy recalled, “but now that I think about it, Urlacher isn’t bald anymore.”

Categories: Footballs

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