Hall of Fame football coach Lou Holtz was released from the Orlando Medical Center on Friday after protesters mistook him for a statue and removed him from the city hall steps late Thursday night.
The former Notre Dame head coach and current ESPN analyst who’s been slowly drowning in his own mucous for fifty years was eating an ice cream cone in front of city hall when he noticed someone had doused him with red paint. Before Holtz realized what was happening, four young protesters picked him up and threw him into the courtyard water fountain, giving the 83-year-old his first bath since the 2001 Outback Bowl.
Despite being shaken up by the incident, Holtz plans to continue eating ice cream at city hall. “When they stormed Normandy, they knew there were risks,” he soberly slurred, “and I’ve never quit anything in my life – unless you count the time I resigned from the Jets after 13 games or the three times I got my schools in trouble for NCAA violations and then left before I had to face any repercussions.”
Upon learning they had removed Lou Holtz rather than a statue, the protesters were not surprised. “On a normal day, I would have recognized Coach Holtz when he sneezed all over my elbow,” said protester Bubba Jean-Baptise, who wished to remain anonymous but we don’t play that game. “But in the heat of the moment, he just seemed like any other slobbering statue that loves soft-serve.”
In an official statement Friday evening, city commissioner Cecilia “The Cyclops” Suppersmith denounced Holtz’ removal and vowed to have him put back on the steps immediately.