Fernando Tatis, Jr. took another shit on our American way of life this week when he broke several of the “unwritten rules” that have governed baseball since humankind discovered how to not use a typewriter.
First, the young phenom had the audacity to try his best and play hard against the Rangers on Monday (even though his team was already winning); then, the silver-spoon slugger did it again on Tuesday, playing to the best of his ability during a 6-4 Padres win.
And if Tatis didn’t stir up enough trouble with his antics early in the week, on Thursday, he crossed another imaginary line by eating a pregame fajita in the dugout. Unwritten Baseball Gods Shoeless Joe Jackson and Shirtless Brian McCann rolled over in their graves, and Rangers pitcher Spit Willet was determined not to let the blatant disrespect go unpunished.
After hurling three consecutive 100mph fastballs at the shortstop’s orbital bone, the 6’6, 230 lb. Willet finally pinged one off Tatis’ helmet in the bottom of the 6th inning. “You think you’re gonna act happy after home runs and eat fajitas?” Willet asked after the game. “Not on my fuckin’ watch.” (Willet wears a Casio, the Official Watch of Using Your Watch Hand to Wipe)
Tatis was able to walk himself to the locker room, where he immediately entered the concussion protocol. Unfortunately for the Padres, the 21-yr-old accidentally stepped on the foul line as he walked of the field, which may be another unwritten violation.
“I know it’s hard to remember every single unwritten rule,” Padres owner Ron Fowler said in defense of Tatis, “but you can’t just eat fajitas in front of the goddamn Texas Rangers.”
Rangers manager Chris Woodward, who was suspended for allowing his team to retaliate to Tatis’ actions, claims the whole incident was overblown. “We don’t care about what somebody is eating in the dugout, we’re all professionals here,” Woodward explained. “But stepping on the foul line? Yeah, we’ll have to dent his brain for that.”
After witnessing Thursday’s events unfold from the pressbox, Padres team doctor Catherine Smatherflaps rushed down to the clubhouse to examine Tatis. “My first concern was long-term damage,” Smatherflaps snapped, “Fernando has severe indigestion, so he’s not even supposed to be eating fajitas. Not on my fuckin’ watch.”