Former #1 overall draft pick and sexual hors d’oeuvre David Carr is lending his voice to a cause close to his heart: he’s pushing the city of Las Vegas to enact and strictly enforce a mask mandate for his brother, Raiders QB Derek Carr.
“My passion for Derek wearing a mask has absolutely nothing to do with the global pandemic that we’re all fighting right now,” Carr carefully explained. “I’m talking about a permanent, 24/7 mask to preserve my family’s reputation for exquisite bone structure, smooth olive skin, and breath that doesn’t smell like pawn-shop popcorn.”
Since the Raiders drafted Derek in 2014, the Carr family has been adjusting to the fact that their eldest son, David, was blessed with a pretty face but below-average quarterbacking skills, while their younger son was far less handsome but would also develop into a shitty quarterback.
David, who currently works as an analyst for the NFL Network, denied there were political motives tied to his mask plea. “The only election I care about right now is the Las Vegas city council,” he insisted. “If we can get my buddy Seabass elected, this mask thing for Derek is definitely happening.”
Derek was oblivious to his brother’s intentions until Sunday afternoon, but it didn’t take long for him to hop on board. “As much as I hate to agree with David, he’s totally right,” Derek admitted. “Seabass would be a kick-ass councilman.”