“Tyson vs. Jaws” vs. “Alien vs. Predator vs. Butterbean”

Eric “Butterbean” Esch, training for his upcoming bout with diabetes

Soon after Discovery Channel debuted the highly anticipated special “Tyson vs. Jaws: Rumble on the Reef” as part of their annual Shark Week, executives across the cableverse scrambled to produce comparable programming. While FX and Viceland have announced “Rocky vs. A Rock” and “The Rock vs. Iraq”, respectively, Syfy’s answer to the dueling chompers may be the most compelling of all.

“Alien vs. Predator vs. Butterbean”, however, was not Syfy’s first choice. “We had already started pre-production for ‘Brock Lesnar vs. Beethoven’ when we found out Brock was deathly afraid of dog trainers,” Syfy executive Margarine Esch told SportSinner.

“When Lesnar pulled out, we were like a freshly impregnated immigrant teen: there was no Plan B,” Esch recalled. Later that week, Esch was delivering a few pounds of leftover BBQ pork to her dad, Eric, when she remembered he was retired boxing legend/melting igloo “Butterbean”.

“We were this close to paying Brock Lesnar $8 million to beat a dog on national TV,” she said with a grin, “and next thing you know, my dad is punch-fighting the Alien and the Predator for two trays of pulled pork I was already going to give him. You literally can’t make this stuff up.”

Butterbean, 54, last fought professionally in 2011; since then he’s spent most of his time training up-and-coming fighters and being mistaken for a Prius. But despite the layoff, he’s still confident in his abilities to knock fools out.

“Everybody’s got a plan until they get punched in the heat-sniffer,” Butterbean confidently snarled, a fistful of wet pork in each fleshy nub. 

Filming for AVPVBB began last week, but production screeched to a halt Friday after a senior executive forced the Predator to cut off his dreadlocks.

Categories: WTF

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