Cornhuskers Join English Premier League

After nine seasons as a proud member of the Big Ten (40-36 conference record, one game better than Northwestern), the Nebraska Cornhuskers football team is officially seceding from the conference and joining the English Premier League, effective immediately.

Head coach Scott Frost announced the move today after the Big Ten canceled the conference’s upcoming college football season. The 45-year-old Frost, who back in 2017 proclaimed his UCF squad “National Champions” (they had cute little hats made and everything) even though they failed to make the playoffs, did not mince words in his defense of playing football outside the conference this fall.

“Our players want to play football,” Frost said on Wednesday, “and like I’ve preached since my days at Central Florida, if you want something bad enough, you automatically deserve it.”

In addition to providing the Cornhuskers with a full slate of games for the 2020 season, the groundbreaking move to the EPL will increase Nebraska’s guaranteed TV revenue from $52 million with the Big Ten to over $110 million with the EPL.

“Our #1 priority will always be player $afety, simple as that,” Frost reassured the media. “Do you realize how much $afer our players will be once the school gets that extra $58 mill?”

Despite the massive revenue bump, university president Walter Farts, Jr. reiterated the fact that player health and $afety remain the school’s greatest concerns. “We have an institutional responsibility to $afeguard our $tudent athlete$,” Farts Jr. stated. “It would be insane to fly the whole team back and forth to England 38 times during the middle of a global pandemic, so we’ve negotiated a light and breezy 32 game schedule.”

As of Thursday afternoon, Frost said the team was discussing options with the Premier League that would allow the Cornhuskers to host a few home matches at Memorial Stadium, where they’ve sold out every game since 1962 and women are still required by university bylaws to wear hats unless they are “at least a 7.5 or better”.

Frost will receive a $21 million raise once the paperwork is complete with the EPL, yet he maintained salary was not a factor in his decision to push for the Reverse-Brexit. “I’ve told these young men since day one that I’ve got their backs no matter what,” he continued, “and that will never change until next summer when I take the Florida State job.”

Despite his eagerness to get back onto the field, Frost is acutely aware of the potential challenges the Cornhuskers could face trying to pull this off.

“Look, I’ll be the first one to admit there are a few inherent risks involved when you’re flying multiple professional English soccer teams into Lincoln, Nebraska to play our college football team,” Frost explained, “but what did you want us to do, join the SEC and go fuckin’ 2-8?”

Categories: Footballs

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