Oakland A’s Coach Accidentally Gives Nazi Salute, Installs Gas Chamber Showers

Ryan Christenson (highlighted) should have just done the Dirty Bird like the coach behind him.

The Oakland A’s have launched an investigation into bench coach Ryan Christenson’s recent behavior following multiple suspicious incidents last week involving the former outfielder.

Christenson appeared to give the Nazi salute while celebrating with players after a victory on Thursday, and then on Saturday, team officials discovered their locker room showers had been converted into gas chambers, killing three players after Saturday’s 3-1 win over the Astros.

Christenson had issued an apology for the salute on Friday in which he claimed, in a very poorly executed Asian accent, that he was attempting a “karate chop” celebration when his arm went stiff. Several players rushed to Christenson’s defense, but that wasn’t enough to keep traditional and social media off his back once the gas chamber news leaked out.

Pitcher Mike Fiers still can’t believe it’s true. “Ryan has always been such a kind and respectful person,” Fiers said on Sunday. “Did he take all the white players fishing in the offseason? Maybe, yeah. Did he throw rocks at minorities during practice and try to deport Yonder Alonso? Sure, what assistant coach hasn’t? But gas chambers!? I just can’t fathom how Ryan could afford something like that on an assistant coach’s salary.”

Manager Bob Melvin was also having trouble processing the news after spending the last two years coaching alongside Christenson. “It makes zero sense to me,” Melvin said. “If you’re contemplating a stunt like this, why wouldn’t you at least do the visitor’s locker room?”

“Three of our players died trying to take a shower on Saturday and nobody’s even talking about them,” Melvin lamented. “I’m not sure which three players died because I’ve never heard of anyone on our roster, but I guarantee you that’s not the way any of them would’ve wanted to go.”

It’s hard to argue with Melvin’s sentiment considering the circumstances, but his last statement also proved to be false. Left fielder Khris Davis, one of the players who died Saturday, Tweeted in 2017 that his preferred death would either be “skydiving accident” or “surprise gas chamber”.  

A team spokesperson declined to comment on the tragedy, but reiterated that a full investigation was underway and justice will be served. “If we find evidence that Ryan is indeed a Nazi who killed three of our players, there will be severe consequences,” the spokesperson said. 

“We’re talking a long-term, exclusive contract that would force him to stay in Oakland for the rest of his career,” the spokesperson threatened. “We’d hate to do that to Ryan after more than a decade of loyal service as both a player and a coach for our storied franchise, but anything less would be letting him off the hook.”

Third Baseman Matt Chapman said players are taking consolation in knowing their deceased teammates are “in a much better place”.

“Even if all three of them ended up in Hell, that’s still a huge upgrade from Oakland,“ Chapman said. “And I’m pretty sure two of them went to Hell.”

Categories: Baseballs

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