Big Baller Brand CEO Lavar Ball has officially submitted paperwork to become the legal guardian of the Larry Bird Tomato. The tomato, whose image went viral last week after Twitter discovered its striking resemblance to the Celtics icon, is a tomato.
Since chirping his way into public consciousness in 2017 when his eldest son, Lonzo, was still at UCLA, Lavar Ball hasn’t been shy about his ultimate goal: to build a global brand around the basketball careers of his three sons so he can keep going to WWE shit for free.
But as Lonzo and LaMelo continue showing signs of improvement, middle son LiAngelo keeps taking steps backwards. Obviously feeling a sense of urgency to replace the family’s middling Malcolm, Lavar reached out to the tomato within minutes of seeing the photo retweeted by Jose Canseco’s personal mailman.
Rumors initially circulated online that Larry Legend was the tomato’s biological father, but Bird got out in front of those allegations on Friday with a stern denial. A spokesperson for the Bird family said in a prepared statement that while Bird will be rooting for the tomato, the paternity claims were “impossible”, adding that the Hall of Fame forward “has not fucked a tomato plant in nearly 30 years.”
The Ball family knows their time with the tomato will be constricted by his very short life span, but they’ve chosen not to keep him in the refrigerator.
“This is America!” Ball howled when asked about the controversial refrigerator decision. “We’re not gonna make him live in the dark, snuggled up between some rotten lettuce and a bottle of Sunny D, just so he can live 3-4 times longer. We’re gonna let him live his life, and he’s gonna be the best damn Larry Bird Tomato anyone has ever seen for 3-7 days, or until my wife runs out of marinara.”
And though nobody has seen the tomato play basketball yet, Ball was confident on Friday that the learning curve won’t be too steep. “You can see it in his eyes,” Ball claimed, “or whatever those holes are above the nose thingy.”
“He’s got that killer instinct, he just needs a natural rival to push him in the same way the Larry Bird Human had Magic Johnson,” Ball said. “But until we can find a coconut with AIDS or something like that, he’s gonna be getting reps in the gym with an old blender that sounds like Avery Johnson.”
Despite the fact the tomato has seen zero action in an NBA game, Ball seemed confident it can quickly surpass Bird’s legendary status. “I ain’t never seen a tomato with injury problems,” Ball boasted. “And if we’re at the playground picking teams, I guarantee you I’m taking the mushy red guy over the white guy every time.”