One week after Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson posted the Fake Hitler Quote Heard ‘Round the World, the team has signed free agent wide receiver Abe Shenovitz. The 36-year-old prospect played his most recent snaps in 2004 as a special-teamer for Division III Swarthmore College before the school permanently dropped varsity football in 2006 due to a severe peanut allergy.
If Shenovitz was caught up in the controversy of his signing, he certainly didn’t show it at the introductory press conference this afternoon. He was all smiles during the 90-second media session. “This is literally my childhood dream: a 2 minute walk from my front door to work,” he beamed. “Yesterday I was driving 40 minutes to the office and back. Life is gonna be a lot different from now on.”
His distaste for commuting aside, we still know almost nothing about Shenovitz. One Eagle Scout who wished to remain anonymous was more than happy to dish on the league’s newest rookie:
“Abe runs like a butcher, his hands are biscuit hooks, and he’s older than fuck, but he was literally the closest Jew in proximity to Lincoln Financial Field,” the Eagle Scout said. “His apartment is, like, 2-3 minutes, tops.” (**Note: this was an Eagle Scout, not a football scout for the Eagles) Team officials did not immediately return or fully appreciate my hand-written letters.
Despite his lack of experience, speed, youth, libido, and creative energy, Shenovitz says he’s mentally prepared to join the roster for one of the most bizarre seasons in the history of professional sports. In particular, he’s become intrigued by the new Oakley Face Shield currently being tested by the NFL in hopes of slowing the spread of Covid-19.
“How does this face shield deal even work?” Shenovitz pondered aloud during the press conference. “If I make the team, do I get to keep my shield or what?”
Philadelphia city officials also announced today that fans won’t be in attendance for Eagles games during the 2020 season. This has nothing to do with the virus; a vast majority of season ticket holders are boycotting this year because DeSean didn’t use real Hitler quotes.
As of press time today, the anonymous Eagle Scout was being investigated for tying several questionable knots.